Jokes and Humor thread

[Mr. Jean]

You bought a cat?

[stimpy]

the one on the left looks like the Pups friend Roxy over here . the weimanriener looks like Oddy at times , But Oddy is white

[Mr. Jean]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142......"

[Boyd]

My daughter Karly told me about her son Cooper.He was sitting on the toilet [he's just turned 4 ]He calls out "It's coming out now Mum"then "Oh!that's nasty"

[Mr. Jean]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.


Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.


Dead silence..............                The rest of the year went very smoothly.

[pappy]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?” “Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.” “That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.” “Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.” “And what happened then?” (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked her in the face.”

[Mr. Jean]

Whoops.

[wildcatone]

Hillary:  Man Hands

[wildcatone]

Thought this was funny...